So, I’m sure by now all of you have received your Official Sweepstakes entry form from Publisher’s Clearing House. I know I did – or rather, Bill did.  And, even though it was addressed specifically to him, and only him, I nevertheless was relegated to the position of processing this important piece of snail mail.  Henceforth, for clarity, I shall assume the personal pronoun “I” since I had to do the hard work of making sense of all of this.  My legal background would surely qualify me to some extent to follow the dots, right? 

On first glance, right there on the front of the Official Envelope my interest was really piqued when I read that there would be some magical connection with the first name of the Addressee!  Now, that was really intriguing because there are so few people in America (for starters) with the first name Bill.  So, with an appetite so whetted I was perspiring, I decided I should definitely delve further into this obviously unique piece of correspondence.  Just stroking the envelope revealed that there were lots of exciting enclosures and that I definitely should proceed – albeit with great caution. After all, have you ever unsealed a private piece of mail that did not belong to you?  I’ve forgotten how to open and re-seal those kind, but, anyways…. wasn’t steam involved in opening?  I can’t remember the closing formula.

Okay, with fear and trepidation, I carefully slit the envelope, and boy, right away, I could feel the excitement surging!  The first important enclosure was a page of stickers!  Now, I gotta tell you: I just love stickers!  I mean, what girl doesn’t love stickers?  So, I continue with trembling fingers and try to find the shapes on the rest of the enclosures where I might snip and paste these lovely, shiny, embossed, stickers!

My first real query, though, was how to make such a HUGE decision.  Before proceeding too far into this venture, I first had to choose between submitting an early response for a chance to win $10,000,000.00, or submitting a delayed response for a mere $10,000.00.  After blinking once, I went with the first choice.  After all, the old adage is still true: the early bird gets the worm, right?  Even though my math skills are sorely lacking, I figured the more zeros in the numbers, the better.  I mean, I might be a slow learner, but I have learned something from my current president!  

But the folks at Publisher’s Clearing House actually made the decision a little less cumbersome by putting the two different choice stamps close together, and thankfully, I did remove the ten million dollar sticker.  Whew, that was close!  I did think it was really considerate of them, though, to put the stamps in such close proximity to each other, plus they were fairly easy to find on the sticker form!  By the way, just so you know, that little $10,000.00 stamp is now languishing in the local land fill, poor baby!  Separation anxiety can really hurt.

During the next few hours that it took me to process the rest of the enclosures and directions, I also learned that the Official Prize Control would spare no expense or time required in order to find me, Mrs. Winner!  What a relief!  Yes, it was definitely reassuring, since I’m known to be a globe trotter and am often out of the United States for long periods of time.  So, it was very comforting to know that even if I were on a flight to Paris (not the Texas town) or other parts of the world, the Official Prize Control folks would grab a seat next to me (or seats, if it took more than one person to haul the money) and award me the prize!  Right there in front of all the other passengers!  Talk about Risk and Benefits!  But, hey, I’ll take it wherever.  I might even reimburse them for their ticket(s) since they were so willing to go out of their way.

Another thing that I found out is that there was a serious violation of my privacy in this mail!  They had figured out the exact route to my house from Ray’s Florist on Main Street downtown!  Yes, right here in Lancaster, South Carolina!  (Confirmed we are on Google Earth!)  Not only that, then they had the audacity to ask if the route that they had chosen to deliver my prize was ok with me!  Would I be agreeable for them to stop and pick up the bouquet of red roses at Ray’s Florist and then proceed from Main Street to Meeting Street to Plantation Street to East Meadow Drive and to my house at 937 East Meadow Drive? 'No”, I exclaimed to myself! I would prefer they bring it by helicopter.  I mean, 2 minutes and 10 seconds to get here by vehicle vs. 1 minute by helicopter?  If there was ever a no-brainer, this is it.  I would be willing to practice my catching ability and they could just hover and drop the bag into my hands, right?  Oops, I apologize for that very inconsiderate thought. I just remembered: the ‘copter would have to depart from the pad at Elliott White Springs Hospital and that could pose a serious delay of 1 minute, so I told them, “Okay, just bring it the route you’ve chosen!”  I’ll get over it.  Medicare probably wouldn’t pay for the flight anyways even though I would’ve had a serious whiplash or even worse malady!  But doesn’t that just kind of get to you?  Everyone now knows everything about everything about everyone!  But with $10,000,000.00 at stake, I can afford 24/7 security guard protection once the money is in my hands!  So, I reluctantly agreed to let them have it their way.

I must admit, though, there was one other disturbing piece of information in that envelope!  Sneaky devils, they informed me that they were very well aware that I had NOT ordered a single product in their previous solicitation. Then they really got personal and wanted me to hand write my reason for not ordering previously and return this private explanation on another piece of paper, complete with my  name and address!  (Oh, dear, now where’s the sticker for that enclosure?)!  

Now, girls, there are just some questions that are too delicate, too humiliating and too embarrassing to answer, but since I thought it might improve my chances of winning (even though they say it really doesn’t matter - yeah, right), I shamefully confessed that the real reason I had not ordered previously – and didn’t plan to this time, either – was that although their products were wonderful, innovative, and hard to live without, I just did not have the moola, even with their installment plan of four easy payments, and that this was the very reason I hoped they would have pity on me and be sure that they drew my winning entry!  Reckon that shameful, awful admission would swing the vote in my way just a bit?  And since they knew the way to my house, they probably knew my age!  “She needs that money quickly,” I’m sure I heard them say in the distance.

Well, after getting all the proper stamps affixed thereto and being completely devastated because they asked me to put a stamp on their separate form that admitted to the world I was not ordering a single thing, I sealed up the Official Entry! Tissues!

At last it was time to put my personal stamp that I paid good money for on the outside of the Official Entry form envelope and take it to the mailbox for early pickup.  Dare I trust this to our regular postman, though?  I mean, after all, perhaps I should send it BY CERTIFIED MAIL, RETURN RECEIPT REQUESTED, RESTRICTED DELIVERY.  Plus, it was even one of those forever stamps.  (Hope that doesn’t influence the judges’ decision.)

Then I decided that because I had not yet been officially notified that I had been awarded the prize, I would just send it the old-fashioned regular way and allow our heretofore very trustworthy postman to retrieve it from my mailbox and get it into the outgoing mail at the post office, bound for Charlotte, NC and beyond!  After all, I barely had money for the regular delivery postage.  But on the plus side, neither did I have to answer all of the, “Does this package contain any hazardous material or perishable whatevers?” questions.  So there was some relief about reaching my final decision.

Now that my entry is way ahead of yours, go ahead and get yours filled out, too, and in the mail today!  Delaying further will only increase your chances of falling into the $10,000.00 category, and my goodness, who wants to be second place at anything?

FLASH!  I need to stop this nonsense and call my lawyer right away!!! What if South Carolina is not a community property state? Yikes!  What if all of the $10,000,000.00 is Bill’s separate property?  After all, I did all the work? Don’t I deserve at least one-half of the proceeds?  I’ll just re-write the laws if necessary.  Isn’t that in vogue right now, anyway?

Even more perplexing, I do seem to remember they said something about the prize being awarded to someone with the first name of BILL.  Is that close to VELTA?  I think so!  I definitely am a believer in Situation Ethics.  Passed SE 101 way back when. The only problem might be, Bill prefers Chrysanthemums, and what if Ray’s Florist is out of those because it is the Fall season and they could have had a rush on mums?  Oh, dear!  Should I write Dear Abby now or wait until BILL’S doorbell rings?